Residency Diaries Series #6: introducing myself as a doctor

12/29/2019 Sunday 3:45pm

 The unhappier I am at work, the more I fantasize about acquiring more cats. I’m DYING to adopt a golden British shorthair with green eyes. I will name him/her Aggy after the cat in that English Bookstore in Paris. 

 I used to cry a lot just before going to work last year. Being an intern is truly shitty and it goes way beyond the physical exhaustion. It’s the emotional weight of walking into what feels like a battlefield where anything can happen and you know you probably won’t know how to deal with it. No one respects you, not even the ED techs, given that you’re literally one with the least amount of experience in the department. That feeling of helplessness used to really get to me. I used to dread going into work and would fantasize about getting into a car accident or legitimately getting sick or injured enough to skip out on work. Of course this never happened to me until this year (appendicitis x2 followed by appendectomy).

At this point in residency, I’ve figured out that the only way to deal with the “just-before-work-blackhole-of-a-mood” is to just not indulge in it much and try to walk into the hospital with the happiest and most positive attitude I can muster. It definitely helps to know the rest of the ED staff and have their trust. Introducing myself as “Dr. Lee” has helped, to be honest. Maybe it’s not PC to say it, but it can be demoralizing to do all your doctor work and live the shitty residency life only to be called “miss” or “nurse” to bring a sandwich or a pillow. 

 Introducing myself as a “doctor” hasn’t always felt easy and even now some deep part of me cringes, especially if I’m saying it in front of other more “established” and experienced doctors (attendings, seniors, etc). Maybe it’s the casual attitude of most ED doctors: “Hi I’m Dr. blahblah but call me John.” Or simply “Hi, I’m Jamie, I’ll be your doctor.” It somehow has felt forced to make people call me Dr. Lee. Similarly, I have a hard time calling attendings by their first name even when they ask me to and when other residents do it freely. Part of it is my Korean upbringing where the hierarchy is very defined and not to be muddied. Teachers/doctors are respectable figures and their titles are to be acknowledged. So then why is it that I have trouble being on the receiving end of it? I don’t think it’s a confidence thing. It’s not like I don’t feel that I deserve it or that I am not worthy of the title. Maybe I struggle with the heavy responsibility that comes with the title? Maybe I struggle with the notion that the “doctor” title somehow puts me “above” whoever is calling me that (not necessarily true). 

 Either way, when I walk into the emergency department and it looks like it’s going to be a busy or difficult night, I always start out my interactions with “Hi, my name is Dr. Lee and I’ll be one of your doctors today.” And I just accept whatever follows afterwards and usually it’s better than when patients have no idea what my role is in their care.