Residency Diaries Series #5: On Running and Residency
Today’s diary entry is the last entry I wrote as an intern. My intern year was difficult not only with the big transition in my training but also with the death of my longtime cat (more devastating than it sounds).
Spring always seems to bring on a fresh perspective. It’s a bit easier to have a positive outlook as the weather starts to warm up. I try to keep this in mind every year as I approach those “dark going to into hospital, dark coming out of hospital” days.
5/8/2019 Wednesday 11:49pm
I’m currently on my Anesthesia Rotation now, an off-service rotation unanimously known to be an easy-going one. I’ve actually been enjoying my time away from ED (*emergency department). I’ve also taken up running outside again-- a true sign that my seasonal depression is over and I am finally in some control of my moods.
I’m currently reading Haruki Murakami’s book/memoir called “What I Talk About When I Talk about Running.” I’m nowhere near as accomplished in running as he is (for example, I have zero desire to run a marathon much less an ultramarathon) but it is still so interesting to read about his thoughts on running. I even think about certain excerpts from the book while I run. I usually run the 6.2-ish mile loop around Central Park. I run about 2-3x/week, sometimes less but never more than that. My current pace is in the mid- to high- 9 min/mile which brings my run to about 1 hour long each time.
Running for 1 hour straight is something I never imagined I could do. I’ve always hated running and even now as I dutifully walk to the park with A few times a week, I feel as if I’m going into a battlefield. One full hour of battling with myself. One full hour of fighting the feeling of wanting to quit but not being able to because the only thing worse than running at the moment is quitting.
It’s not dissimilar to how I feel before a 12-hour shift in the ED. I feel like I’m heading into a battlefield, unsure of how the day will go. Sometimes the run is easy and enjoyable, sometimes it’s hell all the way through. Similarly, sometimes the day/night in the ED is smooth and uneventful, sometimes it’s a shitshow and you question why you worked so hard to just get to an even harder place in life.
And yet, I do feel good after a run and for some odd reason I do sometimes look forward to running. Despite the fact that I know how much I dislike running, I continue to do it for some inexplicable reason. On some level I must enjoy it. Mostly I think I’m proud of myself. I’m proud that I can actually run for a whole hour. Like I said, it’s something I would have never believed I could (or more accurately, would ever want to) do.
Residency is the same. I know that on some level it’s something I enjoy doing (maybe not quite as frequently as I do now). Maybe right now I’m in the thick of a long run and the mantra I keep repeating to myself is that literally the ONLY thing worse than working as a resident is quitting. So I keep going and I keep showing up.
I’m proud of myself and how far I’ve come but I also know I still have several mountains to climb. On some level, pride keeps me going. But like Murakami said, I think having good physical fitness actually plays a big role in having the mental/emotional fitness to accomplish something difficult that seemingly has nothing to do with physical strength, like writing a novel.
In just one short month, I’ll be a second year resident. With that title comes all the expectations and responsibilities I don’t quite feel ready for. I’m hoping that on some level my runs will help me push through. I really do hope that I can keep up with it.