Residency Diaries Series #1
It’s been a strange year to say the least.
I’ve been reflecting on my life as a resident and how it has shaped the way I’ve experienced the past couple months. Just moments ago it was March and we were panicking in the thick of the COVID-19 pandemic and all of a sudden it’s June. ED volume exploded then died down and now it’s starting to go back to the “pre-COVID” days. The new class of interns will be starting their residency orientation next week. I will be a *senior* resident. When did I get here?
I’ve kept a private diary for many years but in the past two years it has become something more than just a way to vent. There is therapeutic power in journaling and reflecting— and I’ve needed it so much more during the last two years than I ever did. It has also proven to be a great way to document my progress and growth as a physician.
As I prepare to meet the new interns next week I thought it might be helpful to share my experience as an emergency medicine resident. I will be sharing portions of my journal here as part of my new ‘Residency Diaries” series. I will refrain from editing unless it pertains to patient privacy or my own privacy. The entries will start in 2018 right as I was preparing for my intern orientation week. I hope you guys enjoy and maybe even find it helpful!
6/10/2018 Sunday 9:55pm
TOMORROW IS THE DAY. First day of residency!!!!!!!
Last night I had a dream that Anthony Bourdain was actually alive (someone else had faked his suicide) and he was asking me what he should do. I told him he should just be honest & tell everyone that it was a big misunderstanding and that he is actually alive. I asked SS what she thinks the dream means and she said she really wasn’t sure besides that I’m very supportive.
Another question to SS who is also starting her residency tomorrow: to bring a stethoscope or not? It seems unrealistic to have to auscultate someone on the first day but then again who knows? What doctor shows up on the first day without a stethoscope even if it’s just supposed to be orientation?
In the end I pack a stethoscope, a pair of shears, emergency medicine handbook x2, two notebooks, a pencil case, and a document about Public Service Loan Forgiveness (v. important).
6/18/2018 Monday 12:07AM
I’m now about 1 week into residency orientation. Emergency medicine, unlike many other specialties, has a prolonged orientation (3-4 weeks) so I’ll be at this for another 2 weeks or so before shifts start. Until then, it’s all-day orientation on EM basics, ATLS, PALS, learning the roles of interns, etc. Mostly it’s trying to stay awake for 9 hours of lecture-style presentation in a freezing room.
Yesterday (Saturday) I had a moment of unexpected sobbing which I interpreted as grieving the loss of free time. We had the weekend off from orientation and I was really looking forward to going to play squash in White Plains. In the morning, A and I decided that we should clean the apartment and do the laundry prior to driving up so that things aren’t left to be done last minute before the start of the week. Cleaning/laundry was taking longer than I expected and a minor disagreement with A made me break down in tears. Not just any kind of crying-- not like a slow stream of tears or watery eyes-- it was heavy-droplets-of-tears-falling-onto-my-legs type of crying. I felt like I was never going to have leisure time again-- like I would forever be counting down the hours of free time. I have a 7 consecutive orientation/work days ahead of me, followed by 1 day off, then 6 consecutive days on. Is this the end of life as I know it? Are 2-day weekends the thing of the past, never to be experienced again until a) maternity leave (which is basically just 4-week max vacation time in residency) 2) retirement 3) different job?
I tell myself that I know I will love what I do (being an emergency medicine doctor) but do I really know? Will I really love it enough? I guess only time will tell.